It is October 18th again.
Seven years ago I delivered my first born. A son. Elijah Mark.
He never took a breath.
I spent the entire day today thinking that it was October 17th, and that I needed to prepare for tomorrow (as it is notoriously a bad day). My mother called a little bit ago to ask how I had handled the day. "What do you mean?", I asked. "Today's the 17th". "Ummm, nooooo, today's the 18th"... she said.
What kind of mother am I anyway? The birth of my first born was unmentioned and unnoticed today by all, except my mother. Even I somehow missed it.
Maybe I shouldn't feel guilty about that. Maybe that's part of moving on. I'm not sure. But there are parts of me that haven't moved on. I will never again be who I was before Elijah and Jeremiah.
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3 comments:
I think the Lord intentionally confused you to show you that your love for Elijah was no different at the end of the day as it is at the end of every October 18th. Living in the joy of Christ, with the promise of eternity, gives us permission to live with joy and newness everyday, even those that were unbearably difficult in the past. I can see you're the kind of mom that remembers Elijah and Jeremiah every day, and thanks God for the work He did in this world through their lives. You honor them in your joy, you honored the beauty of their birthdays possibly more today than before.
Thank you Jesus for giving our sweet sister a different perspective about this day and it's celebration going forward. Thank you for the mercy and grace you poured over the Smith family, today and every day Father. Thank you for Elijah's life, and the profound difference it made in this world. You bring things to rememberance and you hide details from us in the crook of your arm Lord, and each is a precious gift for our day.
Forgetting the date doesn't make you a bad mother! You will never forget Elijah but as the years go by the pain becomes less raw and the difficult dates easier to bear. I lost a daughter 27 years ago. Some years, dates like her birthday and the anniversary of her death are still very difficult but other years, they pass almost unnoticed. Sometimes it's unexpected things like hearing a hymn that was played at her funeral that cause me the greatest pain. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that what you're experiencing is normal and certainly nothing to feel guilty about.
My how life rushes on and we miss so many details along the way. Events, people deadlines and responsibilities pull on us in every direction and when we forget something we think we are suppose to never forget we beat ourselves up. I do not know the date that Joshua James passed from our arms, only that it happened on Father's day. Each year I find myself refecting upon what kind of a man he would be today and in the same moment I find myself focusing on the blessings God has placed before me. My spouse, my children, their wonderful mates and grandchildren. We have so much to be thankful for and each year I know you will do the same. Pause, reflect, meditate and live for today.
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