A benediction given by Brennan Manning on October 11th, 2000 in a chapel gathering on the campus of Mount Vernon Nazarene University (courtesy of TKeller):

May all your expectations be frustrated.
May all your plans be thwarted.
May all your desires be withered into nothingness.
That you may experience the powerlessness and poverty of a child and sing, dance and trust in the love of God who is Father, Son and Spirit.
Amen.

Happy birthday to my first born. Mommy and daddy still miss you.

This year has been particularly hard. I suppose I should have been prepared for that, but I wasn't. I just can't believe I have buried two sons. It still feels like the twilight zone.

I am so thankful for my two children. More than I could ever express. But I am plagued by visions of what my family should look like. I should have four children. I should have three boys. When I think about how tired I feel emotionally, and how another pregnancy seems exhausting, I have to remind myself that I have been pregnant FOUR times, not two.

I miss my sons. I'm so mad they're not here. Furious that I have to explain to Halle why she can't see Elijah or Jeremiah. This shouldn't be my life. I wish I could be gracious about it and say I know there's a plan. But honestly, sometimes it just doesn't feel that way.

So, officially, October 15th is the worst day of the year for me. Six years ago, my life changed forever on that day. I can imagine that this coming May 9th will be equally as difficult, but I haven't had to "celebrate" that anniversary yet.

I had my moments yesterday, but for the most part, I was ok. I was praying all day for some sort of "good news". Maybe our house would sell. Maybe a grant would come through for our adoption. Maybe I lost a pound. I would take whatever I could get.

Around 5pm I got an email from the Ethiopia program director informing us about a new change the State Dept is making which could potentially delay the adoption process for prospective parents by months. Then I dropped off the edge. I know it may seem like a small thing to get so upset about, but it was just enough to push me over the edge I had been precariously walking all day. We expected to hit some snags along the international adoption road (but secretly, I prayed we wouldn't hit any). We are hoping and praying that this new policy will not in any way significantly hold up our adoption. Please pray with us and with all of the other families who have referrals and may be prevented from bringing their children home for some time.