BAD NIGHT

So, for those of you who are new to this blog, it serves multiple purposes. First, it was a place to document our journey through pregnancy loss. Then, it became a place to celebrate the lives of Halle Ruth (who joined us in 2005) and Judah James William (who joined us in 2008). Now we find ourselves again treading the waters of pregnancy loss. In addition, we have begun the exciting journey of an international adoption.

Recently my posts have been primarily dedicated to the adoption. Some of you have asked "How we are doing" since our loss of Jeremiah. I would like to address that now, at least for myself.

I have to begin by telling you that this experience has been much different than when we lost Elijah. First of all, we have two wonderful children to squeeze this time. That makes an enormous difference.

Also, after Elijah, I would dwell, for entire days on the experience and my sense of loss/grief. It was not a conscious decision, it's just "where I was at". This time, however, I find myself erring in the opposite extreme. It seems as if I will not LET myself think about the loss for any significant period of time. If something crosses my mind, I simply shut it off/shut it down. "No", I say to myself. "I will not think about that". And I move on.

That happens at least one or two times a day. It happened last night.

I was laying in bed and began to think about how I am supposed to be 8 months pregnant right now. I thought about how I would be laying differently in bed. How uncomfortable I would be. I could picture it in my head. "Nope. Not going there". I shut it down, and turned onto my side to try and get some sleep.

Then I felt it. Tiny bubbles of air in my stomach. Significant and sporadic enough that they mimicked, pretty much EXACTLY, the sensation that was once my now buried son.

I remember this happened after Elijah too. Initially you catch your breath and smile. "Awwww, hi baby", you think to yourself. And then you reach down to rub a tummy that is no longer there. And then reality catches up to you, the edges blur and devastation hits you like a train.

There is nothing worse for me, than that experience. Not the memory of the delivery. Not the memory of holding Jeremiah in my arms. Not his funeral. Nothing is more devastating than that moment when I forget and think that I am again feeling my son inside of me. And when I remember he is not, it feels as if he has been ripped away from me all over again.

It took me a long time to recover last night. I couldn't shut it down. I couldn't clip it off and move on. It was the hardest I have cried since the delivery.

In all honesty, I must tell you that most days, for me, are completely normal. I don't have to struggle to get myself out of bed or to get through the day. But, every now and then, I have to take a moment, melt down in private, and then collect myself. Last night was the first time I couldn't seem to collect myself. I suppose, overall, it's important to have those experiences. Grief is, indeed, work after all.

WHY AFRICA??

So I guess the next appropriate question to ask is, why Africa and, more specifically, why Ethiopia.

For James, his first encounter with the overwhelming need in Africa came when he was a junior in high school. It was at that time that he came across the pulitzer prize winning photograph taken by Kevin Carter. The photograh is of a famine stricken toddler, crawling towards a United Nations food camp, about a kilometer away. Nearby, a vulture waits for the child to die. According to one account, Kevin Carter waited for over 20 minutes, hoping the vulture would spread it's wings. It didn't. He snapped the picture and left. Kevin Carter committed suicide three months later.

About 4 1/2 years ago, I was flipping through the channels and stopped at Oprah. This, in and of itself, is a minor miracle. I won't get into the specifics but let's just say I don't usually watch her show. That particular day she was doing a show on The Invisible Children. It was all about these kids living in northern Uganda who were leaving their homes every night and walking, sometimes for hours, to get to a place of safety away from Joseph Kony and the LRA (Lord's Resistance Army).

Basically, the LRA is a guerilla group that raids villages nightly, abducting children and turning them into child soldiers. I was astonished at the footage of these babies walking alone for miles and miles. I had never seen anything like it. At the time, Halle was about 2 months old, and I tried to picture what it would be like if that were my daughter. All I could think about was how I would do anything to protect her, and how devastating it must be for those mothers who can't protect their children from this terror. I don't think there would be anything more terrible than losing your child to the type of horror these children experience once they are abducted by the LRA.

So we became involved. That year, Invisible Children hosted an event called the Global Night Commute. We were unable to attend as Halle was still nursing, but were thrilled the very next year when we heard about the Invisible Children event Displace Me. James and I, along with Dave Ballenger, Sarah Ballmer and Malachi Hoye, drove to Chicago to sleep on the concrete in boxes. We wrote letters to our congressmen and spent the night outside. (For pics of the event go to my archive on the right side of the page and click on April of 2007). It was amazing. Since our exposure to the Invisible Children back in 2005, we have tried to stay involved and updated on both the conflicts in Uganda and in the Sudan.

When we began thinking about adoption, we were immediately led to America World Adoption Association, which is who we were considering going with the first time. They currently have 6 programs: China, Ethiopia, Ukraine, Kazakhstan, Russia and Rwanda. We were immediately drawn to Rwanda (for no better reason than we love Africa and had seen the movie Hotel Rwanda). Side note: see that movie. It's painful and wonderful.

Anyway, due to some of our medical history, America World felt that Rwanda would not be a good match for us. Rwanda is a new program and AWAA was afraid that we would invest a lot of time (and money) into preparing a dossier for Rwanda, only to be turned down due to a minor medical history.

I was astonished and, frankly, devastated. Was this a sign? Were we not supposed to adopt? Why did we feel led to adopt from Rwanda only to be shut down so early in the process?

But James, and many of you, reminded me that, in our hearts, God had already confirmed our adoption. This was just a bend in the road.

America World told us that they thought we would be very successful in their Ethiopia program. We took some time to pray about it, and a few days later called AWAA back to tell them we were excited about the opportunity to adopt from Ethiopia.

Already the road has not been entirely smooth, but we are so excited to see what God has in store for us. Already we have begun to pray for our Ethiopian son and the mother who may not yet even be carrying him in her womb.

Thank you so much to all of you who are walking this journey along side us. Your support and encouragement are invaluable to us!!

WHY ADOPTION??

I thought it would be best, as we set out upon this adventure, to cover some of the basics. Some of you may be wondering why we have decided to adopt.

For James, the passion to adopt began early in his life. As a young boy, he often begged his parents to adopt a little boy, thereby providing him with a brother. Then, as he grew up, this was just a funny story he and his parents liked to recount. The issue of adoption would resurface for him many years later as a married man and after our loss (and first of two stillbirths) of Elijah Mark.

While living in Findlay, Ohio, we were introduced to some, now, dear friends, Dave and Kathy. They had two biological children and two adopted children. (One couldn't help but notice as two of the children are from China). We began meeting with their family and two other couples for "coffee and conversation" where we would talk about theology, politics and other taboo issues. One night, we finally inquired about their decision to adopt. Though I can't remember everything she said, a couple of Kathy's comments struck me. She talked about how she felt like she was plucking a child out of Satan's grasp. That they were taking a child with no future, no family, no "connections", no inheritance and placing him into a family where he would be called SON. He would now have all the full rights and inheritances of their family and they would love him implicitly. Then they asked us this question: "Is there any more accurate picture of God's love for us?"

I know that there is scripture that talks about caring for widows and orphans. And I wish I could tell you this is what swayed me. But it was not. This conversation changed my life forever. Suddenly, James and I became passionate about adoption. We began to pray about the possibility that God may be calling us to adopt.

We had been trying to conceive, for some time, following our loss of Elijah. Finally, we decided to start praying and asking God for the $250 application fee for America World Adoption Association. It didn't come. Many times, it seemed like an opportunity for the money presented itself but again and again we felt the Lord telling us NO. At the time, I was frustrated and confused. Why wouldn't the Lord want us to adopt?? That was late 2oo4.

One month later, we discovered we were most miraculously and blessedly pregnant with Halle Ruth. She was born on June 20, 2005. Judah James William joined us three years later on July 7, 2008, and has been as much of a blessing. Then, on May 9th, 2009, we lost Jeremiah David to stillbirth number two.

The issue of international adoption surfaced again. The difference was, this time, it was confirmed in us again and again. People sent cards, and took collections to show us their support after our loss. When all was said and done, one mere week after burying our third son, we had been GIVEN the application fee ($250) plus our first program installment fee ($1500). In addition, a friend from Findlay sent a card telling us that they, through World Vision, had sent a donation in Jeremiah's name to help support orphans in Africa. We were stunned. So we have begun the journey . . .

The Lord has most miraculously placed a desire to adopt in our hearts and I can't begin to tell you how passionate we are about it. If I had wealth untold, I believe I would adopt one from every country I was able. It is, indeed, such a beautiful picture of what Christ has done for us.